Behaviour
Discipline
Your child is making the transition from being a dependent baby to becoming an independent child. For many parents this can be a trying time as children seek to explore their world more independently. It's at this stage that parents must learn ways to safely discipline their child.
What is discipline?
Discipline means teaching successful behaviours and values. Discipline is the name given to the ways parents teach their children limits and rules. Parents often confuse discipline with punishment.
Positive discipline is also about making fair rules and helping your child follow the rules. It is important that the type of discipline is geared to the child's age. This will allow your child to be successful. Discipline lets children know where and when their behaviour is not helpful. It also helps them solve their own problems. It is important to remember that positive discipline leaves your child's dignity intact.
Characteristics of young children:
- Curious, need to explore - it is their way of learning about the world around them.
- Are beginning to want some independence ("me do").
- Do not understand "danger".
- Can have mood swings and tantrums.
- Do not know the difference between touching and biting:
- At this age, children often use biting to express themselves. This usually disappears between the ages of three to four as they begin to use words instead of actions (biting) to express themselves.
- Like to have caregivers close.
- Thrive on routines.
- Strongly resist setting of limits.
- Think the world exists for him.
- Begin to show a sense of humour.
- Cannot share easily; often says "mine".
- Can become unhappy about any changes in routine.
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How young children behave:
At this age your child is beginning to develop an identity of her own, which can lead to some challenging behaviour, such as:
- Running away.
- Saying no.
- Not sharing.
- Having temper tantrums.
Some reasons for a child's challenging behaviour include:
- Testing their limits.
- Lack of positive attention.
- Frustration.
- Jealousy; if there is a new baby in the family.
- Physical discomfort - tired or hungry.
- Curiousity.
- Too young to understand.
- Frustration or anger with no other way to express themselves.
- Stress from minor changes.
- Stress from major changes.
- Child feels parent has been unfair.
- Child feels constricted.
- Child needs more independence.
Positive discipline:
Positive discipline influences a child's behaviour in many ways. A child's behaviour is greatly influenced by the actions of their parents. Children will do what they learn from their parents, including:
- Problem solving.
- Self control.
- Communication.
- Empathy.
When your child is in distress (e.g. hurt, upset, or sick) and your response toward them is consistent and loving, your child learns to trust you and know that you are there for him. The consistency and love that you show sets the stage for a lifelong, loving relationship with your child.
Children copy what they see their parents do - when you demonstrate positive behaviours to your child, they will use them too. You are your child's most important role model in life - they will learn how to:
- Interact with other people.
- How to deal with conflict.
- How to be compassionate.
- How to solve problems.
It is important to give your children the tools they need to cope when you're not around.
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Positive parenting tips |
Say "I love you" often
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Love teaches children to be caring people. Hugs, kisses and gentle touch can be calming for children and shows them that you love them. |
Show respect
- Understand your child's point of view
- Develop skills to avoid parent/child conflict
- Recognize what triggers your anger and ways to manage it
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Take the time to listen and talk to your child with respect. Do not call him names or shout. Tell your child what you would like him to do, not what he shouldn't do. Example: "Please walk in the kitchen. You can run downstairs or outside." |
Learn about your child's body, brain and emotional development
- Learn more about developmental stages
- Let them make some mistakes
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Understanding your child's development helps you to know what she can do at different ages. Example: Two-year-olds have a hard time sharing. Four-year-olds are better at sharing. You may consider moving your child to another area to play if he keeps taking another child's toy. |
Allow choices
- Learn ways to communicate with your child
- Model and reinforce positive behaviours
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Avoid power struggles by giving your child choices. Example: "Do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt?" "Do you want to brush your teeth before you get dressed or after you get dressed?" |
Use encouraging Words
- Use distraction and redirection
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Choices give children some control in their day. Take time to notice your child is trying and talk to him about what he is doing. Example: "You worked a long time with your blocks. Tell me about what you built." Your attention means a lot. Limits are words that tell your child the way you expect her to act. |
Have clear limits
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Use limits to teach your child right from wrong and to tell her what you would like her to do. Example: "You can ride your bike but to be safe, please stay on the sidewalk." "We are going to the store to buy the food that is on our list. You can help me choose the fruit." |
Let your child know about changes
- Reduce personal and family stress
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Let your child know ahead of time if a routine will change - this will help him to make the change. Support him if he is having a hard time. Example: "Tomorrow we are going to the doctor's for your check-up before we go to the child care. We will get to child care when it's time for you to play outside." "In five minutes it will be time to tidy-up for bedtime." |
Have fun and play with your child
- Provide a safe, child-friendly environment
- Remember your child is not doing this to drive you crazy
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Play with your child every day. Take time to pretend and play "What if" games. Be active and let your child help you with simple tasks. Example: Ask your child, "What if a horse came to visit us?" Sort different coloured socks. Visit a local park. |
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Understanding your own feelings
- Listen to your own feelings.
- Take a few deep breaths and give yourself time to calm down if you feel angry or frustrated.
- Ask for help if you are really tense, and feel you can't cope.
- Never take out your anger on your child. Shouting or hitting is harmful and is not OK.
- Take care of yourself to have the energy to take care of your child.
Six steps of problem solving
Problem solving takes patience, practice and time. It is important to follow the steps until you and your child become used to this process. Once your child understands each step, problem solving will be quicker.
Six-Steps of Problem Solving |
Under 3 |
| 1 |
Approach calmly |
Get down to your child's level |
| Gently comfort her by using a quiet voice |
| 2 |
Recognize how your child is feeling |
Gently reach out if your child is upset. Children can often be calmed by rubbing their back or face.
Example: Name the feeling. "You sound angry." |
| 3 |
Gather information |
Watch your child. Look to see what happened. |
| Describe what you saw. "I saw Tan take the truck from you, Jen." |
| For children who can talk ask, "What is the problem?" |
| 4 |
Restate the problem |
Saying to your child, "The problem is, Tan, you want the truck and Jen, you want the truck too." |
| 5 |
Ask for ideas |
Ask for your child's ideas |
| Describe choices or solutions you see. You may say, "You both want the truck. We could find another truck together," or "Jen would you like to play with the car or the ball until Tan is finished with the truck?" |
| 6 |
Give follow-up support |
Stay nearby to see that the problem is solved |
| Tell her, "You solved the problem!" |
| If the problem is not solved, start the steps again |
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Six-Steps of Problem Solving |
Over 3 |
| 1 |
Approach calmly |
Be aware of your body language. Feeling and looking calm tells your child you are able to support him. Give your child a hug. |
| Use "I" words with your child. Example: "When there is hitting I feel worried, because hitting hurts. The hitting needs to stop." |
| 2 |
Recognize how your child is feeling |
Name the feelings your child is showing. This may help him to "let go" of the feelings because you understand them. Example: "You seem angry." |
| Let your child know you will help him to solve his problem. |
| 3 |
Gather information |
Tell your child you want to listen. Sit close and hold his hand or rub his back to help him calm down. |
| Ask "What is making you angry?" |
| Listen to your child carefully for details of the problem. |
| 4 |
Restate the problem |
Using the details your child has described, repeat what he said, to be certain you understand the problem. Example: "You said you got angry because you had the truck first, is that right?" |
| 5 |
Ask for ideas |
Respect and explore your child's ideas - this takes time! |
| Help your child to think about how he could use his ideas. |
| Your child might suggest a solution: "Mark can play with the truck for five minutes and then I can play for five minutes." |
| When your child cannot find a solution to the problem, you might say: "I have an idea. Do you want to hear my idea?" Your child may not like your idea. Respect this, and continue to explore ideas together. |
| 6 |
Give follow-up support |
Your child may need your support and encouragement in carrying out the idea. Watch to see that your child is following through with the idea he agreed upon. Tell him, "You solved the problem!" |
| If the problem is not solved, start the steps again. |
Adapted from: Educating Young Children,
High/Scope Press, 2002;
M. Hohmann and D. Weikart
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Why you should not spank your child
Do not spank your children. Spanking has a negative effect on children's behaviour and development.
Discipline with love and consistency
There are many benefits when your child is raised in a loving environment. Research shows that children raised in a loving environment have a healthier self-esteem and are:
- Happier.
- Healthier.
- Cope better with stress.
- Are more willing to try new things.
- Do better in school.
Remember to discipline with love by:
- Treating your child with respect.
- Distract and redirect.
- Allow choices.
- Have clear rules and limits that age appropriate.
For more information:
Region of Peel - Public Health
905-799-7700
Monday to Friday 8:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m.
to speak with a Public Health Nurse
Caledon residents call free of charge at 905-584-2216
What's Wrong with Spanking
Health Canada
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